You are Strong Enough

by Liz Dadanian

Happiness has become a modern obsession. We’re always either in pursuit of it, holding onto it, or wondering if someone else has more of it than we do. This relentless pursuit is prompted by a social narrative which equates unhappiness with some sort of underlying character weakness. The loose logic being that, if you were somehow better or more, then you wouldn’t have anything to feel down about. In an effort to dodge this negative characterization, we double down on our efforts to improve ourselves, our outlook, and our circumstances so that we can quickly get back to the business of being happy.

While looking to make improvements is almost always a good thing, making negative judgements about ourselves and others for experiencing any emotion other than happiness is ridiculous. Humans naturally have a wide range of emotions and we are meant to feel all of them. We shouldn’t deny ourselves the opportunity to have a full human experience. When you take the time to lean into your discomfort, you will learn to understand your hang ups and where you might be off track. We often miss these signals because we are so, so busy trying to run away from things that make us feel “bad.” The underlying truth is that our negative feelings can be a great motivator towards action that will ultimately be better for us.

A woman I’ll call Jane, is a great example of how this works. Through our coaching relationship, Jane revealed to me the extent of her professional unhappiness. At the time we started working together, she had already spent thirty years tirelessly climbing her corporate ladder. At various rungs along the way, she would notice feelings of frustration and emptiness. Each time this happened, she would tell herself things like “just stick with it,” “I really need this job,” and “things will get better after the next promotion.” She weathered dozens of toxic bosses, managed to mostly stay on the winning side of office politics, and outlasted hundreds of “new” initiatives. To her credit, she did this all while also earning the trust of her colleagues.  The problem was that her unhappy feelings were now more frequent and persistent. She tried her old tactics of sucking it up. It just wasn’t working anymore.

There is a place for powering through unhappiness, but Jane had taken this approach too far. She was experiencing chronic back pain, panic attacks, and her life had lost its color. I asked her to explore her unhappiness instead of trying to muscle through it again. Through many discussions and a lot of directed soul searching, Jane came to terms with the fact that she was feeling a deep sense of loss over never having pursued her dream to start her own business. Just admitting this resulted in some relief. Together, we were able to map out a way for her to start her business gradually without having to totally jump off the corporate ladder. Eventually, Jane was able to leave her corporate job and now devotes all of her time to her own boutique marketing agency. She loves being her own boss and her newfound creative freedom.

Jane’s experience demonstrates the value of developing a deeper relationship with self. I think it is important for all of us to realize that we are strong enough to face whatever is inside of us, and that we deserve the enhanced wisdom that comes from getting through to the other side of a negative emotion. Instead of flinching from unhappy feelings, develop the courage to stick with the feeling long enough to get the message behind it. Get curious about who you are as a person and gain an understanding of the things that might be triggering the unhappy emotion. That’s usually the moment that you can start to get creative about how you can constructively evolve. In time, you will start to understand yourself much better and will develop deep resiliency. Knowing that you can handle whatever comes up in life is an invaluable gift. Facing your negative feelings is the surest way to move you further into feeling deeper understanding, joy, and yes, happiness.