Love Yourself into Leading Others

by Liz Dadanian

Millions of leadership books, full of great advice, have been written and sold. Leaders all over the world read these books, see the merits, and try putting the principals into practice. U.S. corporations and government agencies spend in excess of $142B annually in management training programs. In spite of all the effort and good intentions, there are very few people who ever become recognized as great leaders. One has to wonder how that is possible.

Ronald Riggio, in his article, “What 100 Years of Research Shows About Effective Leadership,” states that leaders need to be inspirational, visionary, encouraging and trusting. This is good information, but not really illuminating. Most people already know this and what was true 100 years ago still holds today. Then Riggio goes on to state that “the very best leaders also care sincerely about their followers, their well-being, and their personal development.” This nugget sheds a lot of light on why great leadership continues to be so elusive. What this indicates is that leadership at the highest levels is about love and self-sacrifice. 

This notion flies in the face of most current leadership modalities.  When we enter the workforce, our motivation for rising up the company ladder is typically fueled by personal objectives like prestige, power, money, and influence. We notice that our personal objectives seem to help the company because they inspire hard work in the pursuit of the proverbial carrot.  The company usually rewards our drive with promotions and that’s how many of us find ourselves in leadership positions. While we’re busy basking in the glow of finally being the head honcho, most fail to realize that the leadership appointment is an opportunity to answer a higher calling. This higher calling requires a shift away from our purely personal objectives to a mindset of serving others. This is precisely why great leadership is so damned difficult and why so few people ever achieve it.

So how might someone, assuming they’re still interested, lean into being a great leader? I believe you have to love yourself into leading others. Here are some thoughts…

Develop a Relationship with Yourself

You have to develop a comfortable relationship with yourself before you can have any hope of effectively leading anyone else. There’s no way you can be fully available to others unless you have done the work to show up as a present and self-aware individual. These qualities are developed through introspection. You have to ask yourself hard questions to clarify your values and internal dialogue.

·      Do you know what your triggers are?

·     Do you take good care of your emotional, physical, and spiritual health?

·      Are you clear on your values and are they still serving you?

·      Are you comfortable spending time with yourself in complete silence?

·      Can you be happy seeing someone else getting something you’d like to have?

·      Can you imagine liking yourself if every last trapping of your success was stripped away?

If the answer to any of these questions is no, or if you can’t answer the question, then you have to do the inside work. 

Do the Inside Work 

This is not a once and done exercise, because you should be evolving for as long as you’re alive. Doing the inside work is a lifestyle choice that involves committing to a relationship between yourself and your inner guidance. In order to stay connected to your true north, you must have a regular practice of looking inward.  Some people can achieve this through meditation, yoga, running, journaling, coaching, counseling or a regular spiritual practice.  The form doesn’t matter as long as it is done regularly and results in you being more clear and honest with yourself about what is motivating your actions. If you’re doing this right, sometimes you won’t like what you see and then it becomes time to clean house.

Clean House

Once you gain some awareness of who you are and what triggers you, you can take steps to improve yourself. All too often we show up with all kinds of negative baggage. We’re tired, stressed, insecure, on a power trip, driving an agenda, ready to teach someone a lesson, are dismissive or otherwise preoccupied. While these are all normal parts of human nature, they do not convey a sincere interest or care for others. In order to be an inspiring leader, you must clean up the thoughts that you think, consider the way you care for others, and rejoice in their success.

People tend to have great BS meters. If you haven’t done the work to love yourself you will not be able to “act” like a leader and expect others to buy it. Weaknesses become glaringly apparent in leadership roles because all eyes are on you and you have the power to directly impact the lives of so many.  If you’re lucky enough to find yourself in a place of privilege, honor the gift you’ve been given and strive to serve in a way that represents our best human capabilities. This starts with loving yourself, so you can love others.